Hi – if you’re new around here, you may want to pop over here and read a little bit about my life with anxiety and how I’m currently coping.
For the most part, day-to-day, I do a pretty good job of managing my anxiety. To be honest, most days it’s an afterthought.
It’s not like I consciously have a moment where I go, “I have to take my pill in case I get anxious today”. It’s become part of my routine: turn on coffee machine, pee, feed cat, take pill, brew coffee. Like that. Every. Single. Day.
So when something happens that causes my anxiety to jump out at me it can be really unsettling. Previously I was used to feeling on edge all the time and now I’ve become used to feeling relaxed and going with the flow (as much as this Type A person can), so when I have to remind myself to breathe it can be pretty easy to spiral.
This week I was reminded of how feeling anxious can completely change who I am.
The circumstances don’t matter – they rarely do in these cases – but I felt the all too familiar rush of adrenaline, followed by restlessness and difficulty breathing and swallowing.
Everything became a big deal.
My eyes welled up and I started looking for problems where there were none.
Anxiety can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I looked for something to justify the feeling. I started over analyzing insignificant interactions and putting meaning where there was none.
Over and over and over again.
I don’t like who I am when I’m like this.
I lose my chipperness as all my energy is being used up to just….breathe. Take a breath.
It’s exhausting and it makes me want to cry.
A lot of times I feel like I’ve suddenly taken 10 steps backwards in the blink of an eye.
Sometimes the person I become when anxious stings and it isn’t fun.
Even for me, it’s easy to forget that sometimes these things pop up. Sometimes I’ll feel anxious for no reason, sometimes I’ll misread a situation and become anxious.
This week was a reminder that these moments are just part of life and things are usually never quite as bad as my anxious brain makes them out to be.
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