This post talks about weight and body image. If you feel like this isn’t a healthy topic for you today, please come on back tomorrow where I’ll share with you some of my favourite links of the week.
I’m no stranger to sharing personal topics and stories on my blog, but I feel like I’ve moved away from sharing so much of that over the past year, so sharing this is definitely a bit scary and nerve-wracking.
I’ve worked to brand myself as a “running blogger” or a “healthy living blogger” and sometimes I feel like neither of those. I feel like I’m failing because I’ve been injured, or I’m not as strong, or I don’t post 092347870923 pictures of my abs on social media.
Instead of recapping my workouts (check back next week where I’ll share the past two weeks….there’s honestly not a ton to share since I haven’t been able to run) I wanted to talk about the past three years and how my weight and body image have been impacted.
I considered talking in vague references, but instead, I’m going to tell you what I weighed and what I weigh. I don’t believe my weight is a measure of my value, but I will admit to feeling discouraged at times because I don’t feel like how I look accurately reflects how I feel, or how healthy I am.
Again, if you don’t feel like this is a healthy topic for you to read about, come back tomorrow or Monday, I won’t be upset – promise 🙂
Body weight and body image are so individual, and a weight that is comfortable for you, may not be the weight that is comfortable for me. I’m saying this here, now, so I don’t have to add it as a disclaimer after every thought I have.
In the fall of 2012, I was at what was then my highest adult weight. I was roughly 150 pounds, didn’t have my anxiety under control and was pretty much a miserable person to be around.
In November 2012, I suddenly found out my husband wanted to separate and over the course of about 3 weeks I lost close to 15 pounds. I continued to lose weight and, due to stress, lost roughly 22 pounds over about 6-8 weeks.
It wasn’t healthy and I don’t recommend it.
I was damn happy with how I looked.
Throughout 2013, I managed my anxiety and unhappiness with lots of running and yoga and didn’t pay a ton of attention to what I ate. I’ve always had a relatively healthy diet, but also like to balance it out with wine, beer, and the occasional treat.
From my lowest weight, I gained maybe 5 pounds, putting me at a much healthier weight as I definitely looked a bit too thin at the lowest point. Again, I didn’t have a significant focus on what I ate, I just made sure to eat healthy foods and in 2013 ran SeaWheeze for the first time and my first marathon.
A year after my initial weight loss, I was able to maintain my weight, which I considered a success since I had always struggled with maintaining weight, even through exercise and a healthy diet.
When I ran the 50k in Calgary, I weighed roughly 137 pounds, which is about where I feel the most comfortable in my daily life and in running.
Over the summer of 2014, I put on about 5 pounds (I was struggling with running and had a stressful move and overall the whole summer was a struggle for me) but still felt strong and healthy. I was working toward running an Ultra Ragnar and, again, was eating healthy and being active on a regular basis.
In December 2014, I joined GoodLife Fitness and had purchased some personal training sessions. My first session included an assessment and from May to December I had gained 10 pounds, putting me at 147 pounds. I consider this to be the high-end of my personal weight range, but I didn’t consider it concerning.
In January 2015, I started a healthy living challenge with my friend Ann and her family. The first week I weighed in, I discovered I had somehow gone from 147 pounds on December 23 to 158 pounds on January 7.
Sure, Christmas involves treats, but I was also running and going to 2 personal training sessions a week. I tried to tell myself it was muscle buuuuut, I don’t think it’s reasonable to gain 11 pounds of muscle in 2-3 weeks.
This was the start of me feeling very WTF about my body.
This healthy living challenge focused on eating veggies and limiting sweets. Which I did. My weight opted to stay the same.
This continued throughout all of 2015.
I needed to buy new pants for work because none of my previous pants fit. I needed to buy new clothes for running because my capris and shorts didn’t fit.
It was extremely discouraging.
I’d periodically track my calories and nothing seemed weird or out-of-place. I wasn’t eating a ridiculous number of calories at all.
I ended up gaining a couple of pounds and ended 2015 at 160 pounds. The highest weight in my adult life.
And now here we are.
I feel like I am fighting the same battle I started in 2015.
In 2015, I expressed my concerns about my weight to my doctor but since every other marker of my health is good, she isn’t concerned. My blood pressure is (more) normal, my resting heart rate is low and healthy, I can freaking run marathons, I love going to BodyPump, and nothing is wrong with my thyroid.
And yet I feel like my body is out to get me.
I feel like no matter what I do, my body won’t listen.
I’m injured (and it’s difficult to not attribute the injuries to weight gain) (although, I didn’t gain anything when I stopped running for 4 months over the fall/winter) and dangit, I’d sure like to wear some of the pants hanging out in the “one day” pile in my closet.
I have days where I feel okay about my body, because it allows me to do awesome things, and then there are others where I feel betrayed.
I see Amy Schumer, who rocks my socks off, and weighs the same as me. She makes no apologies for her body, and yet, I feel uncomfortable in mine.
Sometimes I feel like I should be more okay because I’m not unhealthy but I also don’t feel like I’m as healthy as I could, or should, be.
I’d love for there to be an answer or a reason as to why but I think the answer is this is just what my body did. I’m working to accept it, eat healthy, and move every day.
[Tweet “You are more than your weight. Ange shares her story.”]
This week I had a morning where every pair of work pants I tried on didn’t fit, and now I’m down to two pairs of workout pants that fit. It’s discouraging at best some days.
Definitely easier said that done on some days.
Linking up with Jill for Fitness, Health, and Happiness.
Linking up with Kris for Fitness Friday.
Linking up with Karen for Let’s Get Real.
Linking up with Amanda for Thinking Out Loud.
This post is written as part of the GoodlifeFitness Blogger Ambassador program.
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